Feb
9
Written by:
HeartlandBaptist
2/9/2012 4:33 PM
Valentines Day is great if you’re not lonely. But I am fully aware that it isn’t enjoyed by everyone. Yes, I’ve been happily married for 24 years but I still remember a few years, before I met my wife, when Valentines Day was not something I looked forward too. There were some years, when it was a scramble to ‘have a date’, and when I failed, I ended up watching a basketball game with my friends. And there were some years that I did get a date but then wished I had instead, watched a basketball game with my friends.
I also remember the years after my father passed away, how lonely my mom was. My dad was a farmer but always cleaned up on Valentines Day and took my mom out to a steak house. There were a couple of years, that I took her out for lunch on Valentines Day, just knowing she missed him. And more recently, these last few years, I’ve had friends and family with loved ones overseas in the military. Skype is nice but is not the same as them being here.
As a pastor, I often counsel those who, like the examples above, are at different stages of life and are dealing with loneliness. Some want a serious relationship, some just want more friends, others have gone through some transition in their life and are looking for companionship. Many of these folks that I talk to, don’t want to be lonely and often don’t understand why they are.
My answer to them is always that God did not intend for them to be lonely. I’m not saying that there isn’t such a thing as loneliness, for there certainly is, but it was never God’s intention. In fact, the Christian Scriptures state that God’s plan for us is actually the opposite of loneliness. The Bible says that God actually created man for companionship with Himself and others and for those to be healthy, long term relationships.
And when you think about many of the things that hurt relationships, you will find that they are often the very things that the Christian Scriptures advise against. I realize that not everyone agrees with my belief about God and that He wrote the Bible as a book for us to understand how to live but even the hardened skeptic will agree that many of the Christian views about relationships, family, and friendships are good, wise principles to follow. Today, we call them morals, ethics, virtues, or character but they are found in the Christian Scriptures.
But whether you are a Christian or not, here are some principles that are some good advice for those that sometimes find themselves lonely. First, consider being content with the relationships you already have. The old ‘grass is greener’ trap is one that many fall into, always thinking that there is something new and better, when in reality, you may have some great friendships or relationships. Our society, is sadly promoting uncommitted, short-term relationships, where couples split up because someone doesn’t “feel in love” any more. Love is more than a feeling (yes, I wrote about that last year). Many people who think they are lonely, actually have a wonderful family, good friends and may even have someone who cares about them but they always want more. That mentality brings discontentment and brings about the emotion of superficial loneliness.
Second, have you considered that what you are trying to fix in your life, might not be fixable just by finding a new relationship. Humanistic philosophy, which is sadly being taught and practiced all around us today, always looks to the external, the surface, the temporal. It pays no attention to the needs of the soul, the conscience, the spirit. So it may be, that what you need most of all is the opposite of what the world says, that being to get yourself emotionally and spiritually healthy. Have you considered that many people struggle in a relationship because they themselves are not at peace. Your conscience may be bothering you for a reason. Sometimes, we need to make things right in our past before we can look to the future. I believe that in every man and woman, is the God given ability to know whether we have done right or wrong by someone. Making things right helps clear the conscience. It doesn’t mean that you’ve solved all the problems or corrected every mistake but it does mean that we admit our shortcomings, faced up to our part and asked for forgiveness, both to God and someone in our past. I see too many people, who are so lonely, and go from relationship to relationship, looking for love, peace, contentment, but never finding it, because the turmoil is actually in their own heart.
Third, to have friends, you have to be friendly. Solomon wrote about that in the Bible book of Proverbs. Now, don’t be fake or “weird” but just start making an effort to engage people in conversation, get to know them, take an interest in what’s going on in their lives and look for common interests. Watch for boundaries and go slow but you will find that there are all sorts of people who would like to have more friends.
But last, be careful. Having more friends or another relationship just to have one isn’t always the best thing for you, especially if those you’ve brought into your life end up being a bad influence on you. The Christian Scriptures do encourage people to show themselves friendly but also warn that “Evil company corrupts good habits” 1 Corinthians 15:33.
There’s a lot to figure out in this world and sometimes life can get very complicated. I’m so glad for my wonderful wife, my family and friends and that God did not intend for us to be lonely. And by the way, if you’re interested, I’d still like more friends…
Rev. R. A. Abell
Senior Pastor
Heartland Baptist Church